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When Arguments Feel Like Battles: Finding Fellowship in the Fire


Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Ladies, can we get real for a moment? Sometimes our "discussions" with our husbands turn into emotional battlefields where we're more focused on winning than connecting. We dig in our heels, raise our voices, and before we know it, we're fighting against each other instead of fighting for our marriage.

After 52 years of marriage, I've learned something that transformed how my husband and I handle conflict: Arguments don't have to be battles where someone wins and someone loses. They can be "Intense Fellowship" where both people receive value in a Godly way.


The Biblical Foundation

Scripture tells us in Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." This is the heart of Intense Fellowship—we sharpen each other through passionate, honest conversation that's rooted in love and respect.

When we engage in Intense Fellowship, we're not trying to destroy each other's perspective. We're trying to understand it, learn from it, and find God's wisdom together. We're acknowledging that both of us have valuable insights and that our marriage is stronger when we combine our perspectives rather than battle over them.


The Difference Between Arguments and Intense Fellowship


Arguments:

  • Focus on winning

  • Attack the person, not the problem

  • Seek to prove the other person wrong

  • Create division and hurt

  • Leave both people feeling unheard

  • Damage the relationship

Intense Fellowship:

  • Focus on understanding

  • Address the issue with love

  • Seek to find truth together

  • Create deeper connection

  • Leave both people feeling valued

  • Strengthen the relationship


How to Transform Arguments into Intense Fellowship


1. Recognize Emotional Highs and Dial Back the Intensity

When emotions run too high, take a step back. Use deep breathing techniques or take a short break to cool down. I tell my husband, "I need a moment to collect my thoughts so I can love you well in this conversation"

Remember: The goal isn't to eliminate passion—it's to channel it constructively.

2. Adopt a Team Mindset and Turn Up the Fellowship

Approach disagreements with a goal to find solutions that work for both of you. Instead of thinking "me vs. him," think "us vs. the problem." Start conversations with phrases like, "Help me understand..." or "How can we work together on this?"

3. Practice Active Listening

Pay full attention to your husband's words without interrupting. Reflect back what you've heard to ensure understanding. Try saying, "What I hear you saying is..." This shows you're truly listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak.

4. Show Empathy and Validate

Validate your husband's emotions and experiences. You don't have to agree with his perspective to acknowledge that it's valid for him. "I can see why you would feel that way" goes a long way in creating safety.

5. Communicate Respectfully

Express your views without belittling or dismissing your husband's perspective. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Instead of "You always..." try "I feel..." or "I need..."

6. Seek Common Ground

Look for areas where you both agree or can compromise. Work together towards a resolution that strengthens your relationship. Ask questions like, "What do we both want to see happen here?" or "Where can we find middle ground?"


A Personal Example

Early in our marriage, my husband and I had a heated discussion about finances. It started as an argument—I was focused on proving that my approach was better, and he was defending his position. We were both talking, but neither was listening.

Then I remembered what my mother told me: "Sheila, you can be right, or you can be married, but you can't always be both."

I stopped mid-sentence and said, "Honey, I love you more than I love being right. Help me understand your perspective." That moment transformed our argument into Intense Fellowship. We both shared our fears about money, our different backgrounds with finances, and our hopes for our future. We didn't agree on everything, but we understood each other. And from that understanding, we found a solution that honored both of our concerns.


The Fruit of Intense Fellowship

When you consistently choose Intense Fellowship over arguments, you'll notice:

  • Deeper intimacy because you're truly knowing and being known

  • Stronger partnership because you're working together, not against each other

  • Better solutions because you're combining your wisdom instead of battling over it

  • Increased respect because you're honoring each other even in disagreement

  • Faster resolution because you're focused on understanding, not winning


Remember: You can have passionate conversations without having destructive arguments. You can disagree without being disagreeable. You can fight for your marriage instead of fighting against each other.


If you're ready to turn your arguments into Intense Fellowship and create a deeper connection through conflict, I'm here to help. Book Your Free Discovery Call Today and let's talk about how you can transform the way you and your husband handle disagreements.


Your marriage is worth fighting for—let's make sure you're fighting for it, not against each other.


Join our private Facebook community, "Sheila Faye's She Shed," where wives are learning to have Intense Fellowship that builds up their marriages instead of tearing them down.

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